that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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