I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
