I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
