I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
