I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
