Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
