we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize