ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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