i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
