Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
