i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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