What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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