omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm at about main and main street
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
