I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
