I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
