just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
