I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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