He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
