but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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