he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
