I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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