there's paper in my vomit.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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