party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
