I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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