I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
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yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
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I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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