wanna go halves on a baby?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
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He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
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While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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