the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
it's like iHOP with fire
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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