I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
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WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
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Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize