if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
