walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i wish my penis had a tongue
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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