I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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