Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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