Where did you get a picture of my penis
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Quick, to the slutcave!
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
