Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize
