Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
