Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
