I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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