Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
