so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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