My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The Olympian is in my bed
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
