wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
