I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
