Got a toothbrush?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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