i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
