I just cut my nipple shaving
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
