I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
