She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I didn't notice because vodka
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
