I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
