My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
