You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize