So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
