Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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