I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
